Happy Pride and Birthday Month! Navigating both Pride and Individuality

As pride month happens to fall during my birthday month, I’m taking a moment to pause and reflect. I will be 32 next week and I think we have these idealisms of where we should be when we reach any milestone age. I wanted a house by age 30, but did that happen, nope, but it might be 32 at this rate, with the crazy market. Similarly, a good friend of mine was saying that he’d expect to be married and have 2.5 kids by 30. Society sets us up with the expectations to have all the things by a certain age to be considered successful. It actually bothered me so much that I got into this toxic mindset of constantly needing to be bigger and better, and I think a big part of that is hustle culture, particularly within the U.S. system. Our identities are often interpreted by others based on the job we have. Whenever we meet someone new, one of the first things that are always asked is, “What do you do for work?” or “Do you have kids?”. “We must work a lot, we must work multiple jobs and work sick”, a common mindset for those who have grown up in the U.S.

But the reality is that we’re all shaped by different experiences and are on different paths. Some have faced serious obstacles in childhood while others have not or faced struggles later on in life. Perhaps that friend of yours landed a good-paying job with somewhat ease, therefore able to purchase a home earlier. Maybe another friend of yours has a nomadic lifestyle and doesn’t want to buy a house. Maybe another friend doesn’t desire marriage or children. We’re all on our own journey, with our own timeline to achieve our goals, and human nature to compare ourselves can be very toxic. Lately, I’ve taken a step back to focus on doing one thing at a time. I want to do all the things and sometimes it can get extremely overwhelming. By allowing myself grace and to feel what I’ve been feeling and be more present in the moment. Placing less focus on constantly needing to make more money, being bigger and better, and focusing more on the simple joys in life. Spending more time on creative arts, something that was on the back burner for many years once I graduated high school. We’re more than what we do for a living, whether you love or hate your job. There are many other facets of our lives.

About two years ago, I came out to both my husband and my mom as bisexual. In my late junior high school to high school years, I absolutely loved Michiru/Haruka from Sailor Moon, they were my favorite ship and I loved writing F/F fanfiction. I was also infatuated with Gillian Anderson from the X-Files. During that time, I considered the possibility that I may be lesbian, but growing up in a heteronormative household and with very limited exposure to the LGBT community, it was passed off with comments we often hear like, “it’s just a phase” or “maybe you’re bicurious”. There was a lot of conservatism within my extended family, so I never dared say openly that I thought I was a lesbian. When I turned 16, I met my now-husband and so I clearly realized I wasn’t a lesbian. Was it really a phase like everyone mentioned? It was so confusing. I liked men, so I couldn’t be lesbian.

As I got older and got married, I never really revisited that part of my life until more recently. I had a crush on my 5th-grade teacher and another girl and I made out when we were about 12 years old when I slept over at her house. Of course, I never gave too much thought to labels at those ages, I just thought I was different or weird. What happened next has led to many years of confusion and overall questioning into my sexual identity. When our parents found out, we were no longer allowed to see each other, hang out, or remain friends. We apparently did something wrong and that remained with me for many years to come. She did connect with me many years later on Facebook, expressing that she wished we could have continued our friendship. So there is always a little part of me that feels like this isn’t right or natural as a result of that experience and the way it was handled.

I didn’t come out as bisexual until I was around 30, what many might consider a late bloomer. Having been in only one monogamous relationship, I never really gave much more thought to my sexual identity until my infatuation with Gillian Anderson grew with the X-Files movie and the following revival and until I contemplated romantic relationships with some of my female friends throughout the years. When you’re often asked who your celebrity crush is, my gut instinct is to say Gillian Anderson, but I find myself pulling back and saying David Duchovny instead as people often assume that he’s the one I’m attracted to in the show when in reality it’s actually both, but trending more toward Gillian Anderson.

As I got older and learned more about what it meant to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, things changed. Things changed for me as the world changed. There was a label for who I was and it’s okay to be attracted to both men and women. 2001 was much different than 2021 and it’s amazing how different things are twenty years later. After spending some time watching a girl on YouTube describe her experience as a bisexual, everything finally clicked. I had that A-HA moment. In everything she was saying, I felt like she was talking through the screen at me. Another misconception, which is what made me question my identity as a bisexual, is that you like men and women 50/50. When in reality, you can have an 80% preference for men and 20% preference for women or vice versa. You’re no less bisexual. In actuality, 80 some percent of bisexuals are in heteronormative relationships. That really drove it home for me.

Another common assumption when it comes to homosexual relationships is that both individuals are gay or lesbian when in actuality one or both partners could be bisexual. It was then I discovered something called bi-erasure. You’re not gay enough and you’re not straight. So you’re stuck in between these two worlds, fighting for acceptance and to be validated. This is what I struggled with. “You have to like either men or women,” or “You’ve only been with a man, how do you know you’re bisexual?” It’s a constant struggle to be accepted by both the LGBT and cis/straight community.

There is also a lot of confusion around bisexuality and bicurious. Bisexual refers to any sexual attraction you feel toward the same or opposite sex, whereas bicurious refers to a curiosity about having a sexual experience with the same sex. Those who are bicurious may later identify as bisexual but are navigating their sexuality.

I finally came out to my husband, who was so amazingly supportive and understanding. He said he loves me just the way I am. I’m the same person, I haven’t changed. The only thing that changed is the acceptance and peace I have made with myself. In writing this blog, I have made public a vulnerable peace of myself and is my way of more officially coming out. I hope that this will inspire you or someone you know to come out during pride month and if you’ve had any similar experiences, know you’re not alone.